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The Mass Media

UMass Boston professor attempts human-baboon butt transplant

Professor+Edgar+Glute+works+on+his+human+and+baboon+subjects+for+a+butt+transplant+surgery.+Illustration+by+Bianca+Oppedisano+%28She%2FHer%29+%2F+Mass+Media+Staff.

Professor Edgar Glute works on his human and baboon subjects for a butt transplant surgery. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

Recently, UMass Boston professor, Edgar Glute, has caused a stir in the scientific community by revealing his plans to perform the world’s first human-baboon butt transplant. The procedure, which involves swapping the butts of a human and a baboon, has been derided by scientific leaders around the globe as being, “a poor excuse for a cheap butt joke at the expense of science by a fanatically butt-obsessed nincompoop who wants to be Dr. Frankenstein but is more like Frankenweenie.” Professor Glute, of course, denies these allegations.

“The thought that this procedure is somehow a joke is absolutely asinine! My work won’t merely better society, but will significantly improve the lives of both our baboon and human specimens,” said the professor in a statement. “Lola and Maxwell will each be given a new lease on life.”

The Lola that he is referring to is a 20-year-old, female Chacma Baboon from the Drakensberg of South Africa. She has recently been relocated to the Franklin Park Zoo, but according to her caretakers, she has not been fitting in with the other baboons. Baboon troops are notoriously not very accepting of outsiders. Lola has been ostracized and alienated by her new peers. She has fallen into a deep depressive state and has become a social recluse.

Then there is Maxwell Garmon, a 36-year-old male human, from right here in Dorchester, Massachusetts. When Maxwell heard about the situation with Lola, he was sure that his ample asset would be able to help. “People always tell me I have a nice a—, but nobody knows the true burden of it. Good riddance is what I say.” In Maxwell’s opinion, his daunting derriere is more of a curse than a gift, and he hopes that by volunteering for this highly experimental procedure, he’ll finally find relief from his posterior problems.

You may be wondering by now—if you’re a reasonable person—how on Earth a butt transplant could resolve Lola’s social insufficiencies. Well, the science behind Professor Glute’s plan relies on two keystone principles. The first is that funny people are more socially accepted. The second is that the sense of humor is stored in the butt.

The idea of humor stemming from the butt is a relatively new scientific theory and has been regarded as complete lunacy by many in the field. However, according to Professor Glute: “It’s been a commonly known fact for centuries that the bigger the butt, the bigger the laughs. Thus, it only seems appropriate that we reassess the archaic notions of anatomy that have kept science grounded in the past for far too long. Sense of humor does not stem from the mind, but the butt.”

Professor Glute adamantly insists that his theory is backed by recent studies; however, when asked to provide these alleged studies, he claims that they are yet to be released. Despite the shakiness of the professor’s “science,”  the hope is that once Lola has a human butt, she will inherit a human’s capacity for humor allowing her to acclimate to her new troop.

While Lola has something to gain from the operation, Maxwell has something to lose. Most people would call him crazy for sacrificing his buttocks for the benefit of a baboon that he doesn’t even know, but he remains confident in his choice.

“I’ve always been really funny, and I hate it. I can’t stand comedy, and I’m sick of people asking for jokes all the time. If trading backsides with a baboon is what it takes to end that torment, just tell me where to sign,” he said.

Maxwell remains enthusiastic about the upcoming transplant. He believes that his butt, and sense of humor, will be better suited to a primate who needs it. Although, he has expressed slight concern over the implication of having a baboon’s butt and correlating sense of humor.

“I don’t know, I hope I don’t start throwing my own s— around!” said Maxwell.

The procedure, which is expected to take place sometime this week, is being prepared carefully by the professor. His on-campus laboratory is decked out with all the necessary equipment, such as saws to slice the meat and buckets to collect the blood. When asked about the most challenging part of the surgery, Professor Glute proclaimed that it would be keeping the butt alive while being transplanted: “Are you familiar with the expression, ‘dead a—?’ Well, that is the biggest concern. If the butt dies mid-operation, then the sense of humor will be forever lost.”

Concerns have been raised over the ethics of the transplant with talks of protests underway. These protests won’t only be against the professor, but against UMass Boston for funding such a procedure. In an official statement released by Chancellor Sarcello Muárez-Orozco in regards to why he agreed to fund the professor’s work, he said, “IDK, might be funny.”

As for the ethical concerns, Professor Glute wants to reassure the UMass Boston community that he is a trained professional whose, “entire life has been building to this one glorious moment.” While the precise day of the human-baboon butt transplant is being kept a secret—to avoid protestors—we will continue to follow the story closely and provide updates as they come in.

About the Contributor
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor