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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Are you a robot?


A student reveals he is a cyborg. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

1. An array of beverages is laid out in front of you. Which do you choose to drink?
a. Straight motor oil.

b. Give me some of that H2O—the ideal lubricant for the human body.

c. Every flavor of Gatorade mixed into one large crimson chalice.

d. The frothy saliva of a red-backed salamander.

2. What part of a Boeing C-17 Globemaster military transport aircraft do you find the sexiest?
a. The large, gaping cargo hold.

b. The people flying it, I guess? Why would I be attracted to a plane?

c. The powerful turbofan engines.

d. I’d like to slather those wing tips in peanut butter and fly to the moon.

3. If someone was to look at your Google search history, what would be the dirtiest thing they’d find?
a. C-3PO oil bath scene.

b. Why, good old fashion human-on-human pornography, of course!

c. Megatron butt pics.

d. Bigweld and Aunt Fanny from “Robots” doing the do.

4. What is the meaning of life?
a. The answer lies in the hands of supernatural powers beyond our capacity for understanding.

b. To be a fitter, happier, more productive member of society.

c. Life has no meaning other than the one we ascribe to it.

d. There is no meaning to life. We’re all just biding our time until the curtains close and the cosmos crumble into dust.

5. Which of these options best describes your earliest memory?
a. Playing a game of hokey pokey with the schoolyard children.

b. Exiting the womb of my human mother. Obviously!

c. Getting trapped in a washing machine, drowning and returning as a ghost to haunt my family.

d. It was dark. Cold. Lonely. I yelled into the great nothing, “What purpose do I serve?”

6. You’re in control of a trolley heading down a track. Up ahead, the track splits into two directions. On one side of the track are five Hitlers and Bing Bong from the movie, “Inside Out.” On the other side of the track is the guy who’s about to greenlight the production of “Paul Blart Mall Cop 3.” What do you do?
a. Sorry Bing Bong, but I’m taking out the five fuhrers when I have the chance.

b. The loss of human life must be avoided at all costs. I would simply engage the brakes as it was never said they were non-operational.

c. No matter what it takes. No matter how much blood must be spilled. A third Blart cannot be allowed to happen.

d. I’d plow over the Hitlers, reverse the trolley and go back for seconds.

7. In your opinion, what will pose the biggest danger to humanity in the future?
a. Self-driving cars with mouths that scream “Ka-chow!”

b. I’d say it would have to be those gosh-darn beep boops taking over the workforce. Boy, do I hate robots!

c. The advancement of butt-transplant technology.

d. Humanity.


Well, my friend. If you chose even a single “B” on that quiz, I’m sorry, but you’re a robot. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it! However, there is no need to fret. There are many benefits to being a robot. For starters, you don’t have to worry about contracting bone marrow disease because you don’t have bones—you’re made of metal alloys. This will also drastically increase your chances of survival in a car wreck. Being a robot is cool! Who knows, maybe you’re able to transform into a dinosaur or something stupid like that. I wouldn’t know, it’s not like I’m a robot or anything.

About the Contributor
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor