72°
UMass Boston's independent, student-run newspaper

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Joe and Kyle: Endgame

A+poster+parody+of+Joe+DiPersio+and+Kyle+Makkas+titled+%26%238220%3BJoe+and+Kyle+Endgame.%26%238221%3B+Illustration+by+Bianca+Oppedisano+%28She%2FHer%29+%2F+Mass+Media+Staff.

A poster parody of Joe DiPersio and Kyle Makkas titled “Joe and Kyle Endgame.” Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

“I refuse to believe that such an abomination could share any sort of blood with me, much less be my brother.” Sea-Man, UMass Boston’s resident merman, said to Bobby Beacon, UMass Boston’s resident a—hole. They were both tied up over an open, shark-infested pit in the middle of Paul Thomson’s demonic vessel of doom, waiting for their father to lower them to their demise.
Bobby called out from the confines of his net, “Yeah, well I ain’t happy about it either! Out of all the people that could be my brother!”
The other Reactors were being held in nets to the side, being guarded by fish soldiers and the newly appointed Grand Chum Master Marcelo Suárez-Orozco. The father of the year himself, Paul Thomson, called to get the attention of his crew.
“The time is nearly upon us! For many years, I have suffered from a great weakness. My seeds had been scattered far and wide, a process that has left me weakened. Now, once these two final seeds have been returned to my fruitful sack…” Thomson paused his monologue to sniff the air. “Wait, is somebody smoking?” He spun around to see Carlos Hernandez using T. N. Turner’s cigar lighter to burn through his nets. “Seize him!” Shouted Thomson.
Carlos burst through his net, landing on the deck dramatically. Soldiers ran to apprehend him, but he was too quick. He picked up one of their swords and used his swashbuckling abilities to fend them off. He quickly realized he was becoming overwhelmed, so he threw his sword like a boomerang at Lola’s net, cutting her free. Thomson, having tired of this nonsense, blasted Carlos with a terrible force of sea energy causing the swashbuckler to go flying off the ship. However, while Thomson was distracted, Lola managed to make it to the release lever. She pulled it, freeing the rest of the team. Much to her dismay, this also sent Bobby and Sea-Man plummeting into the shark pit.
The two brothers splashed into the sea. While Sea-Man was no stranger to a few rouge sharks, Bobby wasn’t faring so well. He sank like a rock to the harbor floor as the sharks circled him, preparing to feed. Sea-Man considered for a moment that he could simply swim away, leaving the whole mess behind, but then something came over himsomething that he had never felt before. With a dramatic burst of aquatic power, Sea-Man spiraled into the shark frenzy and scooped Bobby up before he could be eaten. They blasted out of the water and landed on the shore.
Safe on land, Bobby laughed. “A little bit of brotherly love, eh?”
Sea-Man blushed, looking embarrassed. “Shut up! I merely wanted to keep Thomson from gaining more power.”
Back on board the ship, the Reactors, having assembled with the speed of Mercury and the grace of Lou Costello, stood before Thomson ready to fight. However, Thomson had no beef with them and flew to the shore along with his legions of fish freaks to exterminate his children and destroy the campus. The Reactors followed suit, except for Joe and Kyle, who remained to battle against the newly appointed Grand Chum Master of the seven seas.
“Before we start, I just have one question,” said Kyle. “What is it exactly that the Grand Chum Master does?”
“More than you two will ever do!” the Grand Chum Master screamed hideously as he blasted rays of boiling bidet water out of his fingertips. Surprised and confused, the boys dodged his attacks narrowly.
“The man’s got toilet fingers!” shouted Joe in disgust.
The boys danced around, looking for an opening, but finding none. He was invincible with lightning-fast reflexes and godly speed. The tapestry of the universe was merely a blanket to be delicately folded by this deity of unholy waters. The boys were doomed.
Joe then noticed something peculiar about the Chum Master’s appearance. He was wearing a baseball cap underneath his Sith robes. As Kyle distracted the man by doing what came naturally, pissing himself and begging for his life, Joe ran up from behind and tore off his hat. Much to Joe’s assumption, there was indeed a rat underneath.
“Looks like Maximus was right all along,” said Joe.
The rat hopped off the Chum Master’s head and scurried away. Having lost his powers, he was once again the chancellor, a mortal man. As the boys prepared to finally apprehend him, the ship began to creak and moan. They stopped and looked down at the deck which they now realized was splitting in two. The chancellor’s bidet blasts had cut directly through the hull.
“That’s my bad, boys. I’m gonna take the ‘L’ on that one.” As the Chancellor said this, the boat split fully in two and began to tip upright like the Titanic. Joe and Kyle dashed to the top of the vessel to take hold of something. The chancellor attempted this as well but tripped on his robes, falling into the shark-infested waters. He had finally fulfilled his wish of becoming the Grand Chum Master.
Despite the chancellor being defeated, the battle was still raging on the shore. Splish splash, the fish were taking a bath in the blood of their enemies. However, they were not unmatched. Lydia Lionheart ran out to meet her opponents, only to have them “ghost” her on the battlefield. Magnum Maximus pelted the enemy with hardened balls of dung that he had gathered and stored through many a Taco Tuesday. Lola went into a baboon rage, ripping off every fin and flipper she could find. However, despite the valiant efforts of the Reactors, it was only a matter of time until Thomson’s fish forces overpowered them.
Meanwhile, Bobby and Sea-Man were preparing to throw down with their father. Thomson appeared in front of them, floating above the misty harbor with a look of pure vengeance in his eyes.
“Well, my children, in short time, your precious Reactors will be defeated, and you will be returned to the sack from which you came,” bellowed Thomson.
The brothers charged at their wicked father, but with a flick of his wrist, he sent them flying backward with the forces of the sea, crashing straight through the outer wall of University Hall. Thomson approached them giggling with an awful glee.
“See? You do not have what it takes to defeat me! Now, come to Daddy!” Thomson opened his mouth to reveal a large gaping void. He began to consume the essence of Sea-Man. Bobby turned to witness his brother slowly being absorbed in a style reminiscent of the dementors from “Harry Potter.” A look of determination came over the beacon. He knew at this moment what he had to do. Channeling an overly dramatic battle cry, Bobby jumped in front of his father, taking the full force of the soul suction in the process.
Thomson laughed, “So you seek to save your brother, do you Beacon? Well, it is in vain!” Thomson continued to suck out Bobby’s soul; however, nothing was happening.
“Well, you’re missing one important detail, buddy boy,” said Bobby. “As many of my ex-lovers could tell you, I’ve got no soul to give!”
“What?” exclaimed Thomson. “No! That’s impossible!”
Bobby shrugged, “I must get it from Mom.” With an elegant hand movement, Bobby absorbed Thomson’s energy, collecting it within a large glowing orb between his palms. “Ska-doosh!” Bobby released the energy, blasting Thomson and ripping the flesh and muscle from his skeleton. The father had been defeated.
Across the campus, the hordes of fish freaks melted away into sea foam. Apparently, their life essence was tied directly to their captain. The Reactors rejoiced, having saved the school, and potentially the world, from Thomson’s wrath. T. N. Turner, covered in fish guts, lit up a celebratory cigar. “Well, that wasn’t exactly the biggest fish fight I’ve been a part of, but it wasn’t too shabby,” he said.
Sea-Man looked up from the wreckage to see his brother illuminated by a heavenly glow. As the glow faded away, Bobby stood amongst the bones of their dad. “Well, bro, that was pretty f—ed, I gotta be honest,” said Bobby. Sea-Man’s hearty laughter was interrupted by the metallic moaning and groaning of Thomson’s sinking ship. The brothers looked over to see Joe and Kyle hanging desperately from the top.
“I gotta get over there! If only I had some highly pressurized bidet water!” yelled Bobby.
Sea-Man smiled at him, “There is no need, brother!” He summoned a torrent of water and blasted Bobby into the air like a missile.
Aboard the ship, Joe and Kyle were awaiting their deaths. Joe was hanging on to a railing with one hand, and Kyle with the other. He was quickly losing his grip, a fact that only Kyle was willing to accept. Kyle peered down below them into the shark-infested waters and realized that there was only one way that both of them wouldn’t be ground into chum.
“You gotta let me go! You can’t pull us both up. I’ll just fight off those sharks!” shouted Kyle.
Joe looked down at his friend, refusing to accept the truth. “No! I’m not letting go! Trust me, man. You’re not gonna beat those sharks!”
Kyle smirked. “Then I’ll make for some damn-fine shark food. Adios muchacho!” he yelled.
Kyle let go of Joe’s hand, falling into the sharks below. Joe screamed in pain, having lost his brother from another mother. Trying to fight back tears, Joe realized that there was only one thing he could do.
“There’s no Joe without Kyle.” He closed his eyes and let go of the railing, having come to terms with his decision to follow his friend into the arms of death. However, before he made contact with the water, Bobby came hurtling through the sky at a hundred miles an hour. He grabbed Joe in his arms and carried him off to safety. Joe screamed, “Noooooo! Let me die!” But Bobby wasn’t having it. He had lost enough family members for one day.
As the Reactors, or what was left, gathered together on the shore, they watched as the ship that had claimed the lives of Carlos and Kyle sank completely into the abyss. “I suppose,” said Lola in a robotic tone of voice, “we were always doomed to watch our friends drift away before we sink ourselves. Yes, our friends may be lost, but we all have our own ship to claim us. God forsakes us all in his own way, friends.”
Lydia looked up from her phone and remarked, “I guess Kyle’s life was the biggest ghost of all.” Nobody laughed at her joke. It was too soon.
In the wake of the chaos, things slowly drifted back to normal. Eventually, the chancellor washed ashore, and despite his treachery, he was somehow reinstated back into his old position. He washed his hands of the Thomson incident by blaming the whole thing on rats. Bobby and Sea-Man’s relationship was now a bit more brotherly; however, they still bickered frequently about petty issues. The other surviving Reactors resumed their usual campus lives, doing their best to move on from the drama that had ensued. However, for some this was impossible.
A funeral service was held for Kyle in the weeks following his death. All the Reactors were in attendance and Bobby himself performed the eulogy. Joe was present at the funeral, but it was clear that after losing his friend, he wasn’t the same. In the days following the service, Joe disappeared. While his whereabouts remain largely unknown, some claim to have seen him roaming the country as a traveling bard. He was last spotted near Pinedale, Wyo., buying magic beans from a cowboy.
The End.

About the Contributors
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor
Kyle Makkas, Humor Writer