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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Success! Human-baboon butt transplant achieved

Lola+the+baboon+does+stand-up+comedy+for+a+bunch+of+fellow+baboons.+Illustration+by+Bianca+Oppedisano+%28She%2FHer%29+%2F+Mass+Media+Staff.

Lola the baboon does stand-up comedy for a bunch of fellow baboons. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

Last week, history was made when UMass Boston professor, Edgar Glute, performed the world’s first human-baboon butt transplant. Professor Glute, who is a staunch believer in asinus comoedia theory—the theory that the sense of humor is stored in the butt—successfully swapped the rear ends of human Maxwell Garmon and baboon Lola.

The ultimate hope of the procedure was, by giving Lola a human’s comedic ability, she would be able to better acclimate to her new baboon troop at the Franklin Park Zoo. As for Maxwell, the generous butt donor who made this all possible, he would find freedom from his much-maligned comedic chops. Now that the operation has been successfully performed, the eyes of the scientific community turn to Professor Glute as he prepares to showcase the results of his life’s work.

The professor stood proudly on the small stage in the lobby of the Integrated Science Center. A crowd of scientists, students, administration and baboons filled the room. There was an air of anticipation that hovered over the audience as they all waited patiently for the star of the evening to reveal herself. The professor tapped lightly on the microphone to get the audience’s attention.

“My esteemed colleagues. My dear friends. My humbled guests. I stand before you today as a victor over the dogmatic beliefs of science’s past. Not only have I proved asinus comoedia to be the prevailing, and proper theory in the field of humorology, I have proved that the sense of humor can be transferred between subjects by way of the butt!”

The professor gave his booty a little spank before beckoning to the side of the stage. The crowd went wild as Lola waddled out. Her behind was heavily bandaged, and she moved like a toddler under the weight of a loaded diaper. After the applause died down, dramatic music started to play. The professor raised his arms in triumph, fueled by the energy of the room. In one fell swoop, he tore away Lola’s bandages, revealing her bare, naked a— to the audience. There was an audible gasp. The a— before them was not that of a baboon; the a— before them was human.

It was time for the professor to prove whether or not the sense of humor was truly transferred between hosts. He handed off the microphone to Lola and stepped off the stage. The lights dimmed as she was put to the test in the only way that seemed fit—a stand-up routine.

She started to make a wide variety of baboon noises. Some were harsh and guttural. Some were soft and sweet. Others were manic and a tad flamboyant. After each array of vocalizations, the baboons in the audience responded with vocalizations of their own. They seemed to be laughing. As for the human end of the crowd, they remained silent for the nearly sixty-minute entirety of Lola’s set. When she was finished, Professor Glute appeared back on stage.

“Well, judging by the enthused responses of our baboon guests, I’d say that Lola is in fact…funny!”

The audience rose in a standing ovation as the professor bowed, taking full credit for Lola’s achievement. Despite the resounding success of Lola’s comedic turnaround, there was still another half of this experiment that needed to be addressed. With a wave of his hand, Professor Glute sent Lola off stage. As she walked off, Maxwell waddled on, his butt wrapped in bandages similar to Lola’s. He stood with his back to the audience. With a great, big tug, the professor ripped Maxwell’s bandages away, revealing his new butt—a baboon butt.

The audience was too shocked for words. A woman let out a blood-curdling scream, a man in the front fainted, an unseen baby burst into tears and someone in the back of the room was heard audibly throwing up. Maxwell turned his head to the professor and asked fearfully, “How’s it looking back there, Doc?” The professor chuckled uncomfortably while handing the microphone to his patient and stepping out of the limelight. It was now Maxwell’s turn to display his funny bone or, if the transfer was a success, his lack of one.

Maxwell stared at the audience for a solid three minutes before blurting out in a Seinfeldian fashion, “What’s the deal with peanuts?” The room was silent. They were unsure of where Maxwell was heading with this. The pants-less comic continued: “I mean, they’re not technically nuts. They’re legumes! Shouldn’t they be called Pea-umes?”

Not a single face in the crowd as much as cracked a grin. He then decided to switch to a more situational approach.

“So, my life has been pretty crazy lately. I just had my butt switched with a baboon’s butt. The craziest part is watching the baboon take a s. Imagine watching a stranger’s poop coming out of your butt? That’s the future for ya!”

Of course, nobody laughed at Maxwell’s weird joke. The professor leaped up onto the stage, taking the microphone and proclaiming, “I have succeeded!” It appeared that he was right. While Lola’s jokes were well received by her baboon peers, Maxwell bombed terribly. Their senses of humor had been successfully swapped. However, before Professor Glute could celebrate his transplant, Maxwell’s face began to twitch. The audience looked on as he completely lost his composure and started shaking uncontrollably.

People began rising from their seats and moving toward the exit, even the baboons appeared disturbed by Maxwell’s antics. As the professor tried desperately to calm the audience down, Maxwell produced a medium-sized brown clump from behind his back. Someone shouted, “Look out!” But it was too late. The professor spun around only to be nailed in the face with Maxwell’s dookie. Security pushed their way through the fleeing crowd and quickly detained Maxwell, who at this point was screaming like a baboon. Professor Glute was left broken and alone on the floor, covered in the poop of his shattered dreams.

About the Contributor
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor