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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

New year, new mistakes: Making the most of 2023

I woke up a few weeks ago to a startling revelation: Apparently, it’s not 2007 anymore! Sometimes it feels like time moves faster than a plate of bagels at an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. As we get older, the line gets longer, the bagels become stale and they run out of cream cheese. However, we keep getting back in line, trapped in bagel limbo, watching the years go by faster each time through. You go to bed feeling like a kid only to wake up the next morning in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Some days, you feel like you don’t even like bagels anymore.

What even is time anyway? Is it a universal constant, or is it all relative? Maybe we’re all just a bunch of teeny-weeny specs floating around on the top of a giant dandelion, making our way throughout the cosmos. One day a giant spider will come down and ensnare us in its wicked web of time. The spider will have the head of Neil deGrasse Tyson, and he’ll whisper in our ear in an intimate, but non-sexual manner, “ring-ring, times almost up!” It sure is a mystery, that time stuff.

Whether we want to accept it or not, years come and go. Recently, in a strange land known as Manhattan, the ball has been dropped. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but I guess it means that way up in his palace of time, Tick-Tock Clock Daddy—formerly known as Father Time —has determined that it’s a new year. I don’t know who made that guy the boss of time, but there’s nothing we can do about it—believe me, I’ve tried. I suppose the only thing we can do at this point is to welcome 2023 with open arms.

With a new year comes new possibilities. Everyone’s running around talking about New Year’s resolutions. Whether those be going to the gym or breaking the world record for most toilet seats destroyed with your head—it’s 46 by the way—it seems that everyone has improvement on the mind. For us students, we also have a brand-new semester to contend with making for a double-whammy of fresh starts. I suppose that nothing puts into perspective the f—ups of the past better than the infinities of a new tomorrow.

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, I’ve recently had the great privilege to sit down with the highly esteemed UMass Boston celebrity personality, Bobby Beacon, to talk about some of his goals for the new year.

“I’m gonna make 2023 my b—! First things first, I wanna try goat yoga. It may come as a surprise, but I’m actually more flexible than one might think. The goat’s just an added bonus because, well, it’s a goat. Second, I’m gonna buy an ice cream truck and drive around to parks and playgrounds, giving out frosty treats to kids on hot summer days. If I can’t afford an ice cream truck, I’ll settle for a van. It’s the thought that counts. Lastly, no more coke. I’m done. I’m going clean.”

Well, Bobby, I’m sorry to tell you this, but not many people actually keep their New Year’s resolutions. That’s the thing about new beginnings: The broader the horizon, the higher we get our hopes; the higher we get our hopes, the longer the fall when we plummet. It makes sense that we all desire to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, but maybe setting goals that span an entire year isn’t the best way to go about improving.

The best version of you may vary from day to day. Your best self on a Saturday might be able to do cartwheels across a burning tightrope while simultaneously belting out “We Are the Champions” by Queen. Your best self on a Monday might get out of bed, watch home renovation shows all day and eat a microwaved lasagna for dinner. We shouldn’t be too tough on ourselves. After all, we’re not cybernetically enhanced machines that are designed to maintain a certain level of perfection—at least not yet. We’re human, and with that comes all sorts of imperfections, but it’s in the imperfections that our beauty shines through.

So, when it comes to making resolutions this year, don’t worry about it. If you really want to be successful, I recommend learning to realize what works best for you in the moment. If you’re always staring out at the horizon, you won’t be able to see what’s in front of you. You might walk into a wall, break your nose and get blood everywhere. Then someone’s going to have to come and clean it up, and everyone will be having a bad time. Just remember, sometimes you just have to stop and smell the bagels.

About the Contributor
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor