Friends, lovers, ghouls, ghosts and anyone who has bothered to read these, the end is finally upon us. The past four weeks have been nothing short of pure terrifying bliss. Having heard ghastly accounts of soulless specters, man-eating demon spiders and wicked warlocks, you may be wondering if Wheatley Hall could possibly have anything left to conjure up. But I assure you, the tales of woe and misery are far from over.
My fourth and final guest, unlike the others who came before, is neither student nor faculty; the subject of this interview is an entity of supernatural origin. The exact details of that origin, I don’t know, but I encountered him by accident while passing through Wheatley on my way to class. According to him, he’s “the raw manifestation of unadulterated masculinity” and the self-proclaimed “patriarch of Halloween.” Half man, half pumpkin, I introduce to you—regretfully—Pumpkins McGee.
Joe DiPersio: I can’t believe it! I was starting to think all these people spouting off about the Wheatley paranormal were nuts, but looking at you, Pumpkins, I guess they were telling the truth. Personally, I don’t see what’s so scary about you.
Pumpkins McGee: I’ve always been good at sniffing out the liars, and I can smell the fear on you like a bloodhound. I mean, I don’t blame you for trying to conceal your weakness. It’s not like any man would want to be perceived as lesser, but as we both know, in order for one to be superior, one must be inferior.
JD: I’m sorry, are you trying to say that you’re better than me? You don’t even know me. What gives you the right to make that assumption?
PM: That’s the thing, a superior man doesn’t need the right. The alpha is the leader of the pack, and as an alpha male, I don’t need things like reason, logic or facts. The only tools at my disposal are confidence and dominance, baby. It’s basic wolf philosophy, and don’t bother to look that up. There’s nothing more emasculating than conducting thorough research. If I say it’s true, then it’s true. Disagree all you want. What are you gonna do?
JD: I could… not listen to you?
PM: BEEP! Wrong answer! Go against the alpha and you end up dead. As your superior, I will smite you physically, intellectually and spiritually. We live in a dog-eat-dog world. It’s survival of the fittest, and the fittest is the one who catches the biggest, fattest fish, leaving his brethren to starve.
JD: What the hell are you even trying to say here? You’re a monster! You’re supposed to be talking about scary stuff, spooky stuff and things that go bump in the night! Not this weird, creepy s—.
PM: Well, with that attitude, I’ll tell you one person who won’t be going bump in the night anytime soon. What I’m talking about is very, very scary. I’m talking about the de-man-ifying of American men by the woke liberal mob. They’re putting hormones in the chicken nuggets to stunt the growth of little boys so that by the time they reach adulthood, they end up with penises the size of Lunchables hotdogs. And don’t even get me started on the hormones they put in Lunchables hotdogs.
JD: Okay, you know what? If I wanted this kind of toxic, conspiracy-fueled rhetoric, I’d scroll through Reddit. How about we change the subject to something other than masculinity, hormone nuggets or anything having to do with “alpha males” please?
PM: Very well, we’ll talk about personal finances. Daddy Elon has really been making waves on his free speech platform, the newly dubbed X. Which by the way, is the most badass and manly of all letters. But I’ve really had my eye on this new crypto called…
JD: Hang on a second. Did you just refer to Elon Musk as “Daddy Elon?”
PM: Hey, as a real man, I know when I’m beat. In terms of raw masculinity, Daddy Elon trumps me in every way. And speaking of that guy, there’s another one. Talk about two guys who have it all. The confidence to say whatever the hell they want without all the unnecessary baggage of rational thought, political correctness or integrity. It’s just the way that the good God in heaven above intended it to be when he founded this great land of the free and home of the brave that we call the US of A.
JD: Okay, you know what? I can see we’re slipping back into topics I really wanted to avoid, but this interview is almost over so how about we talk about something basic? Watch any good shows or movies lately?
PM: I watched that Barbie movie over the summer. I didn’t want to see it, but I just had to confirm my fears. Yup, pretty much it was everything I hate about modern society, wrapped up into one, big, communist, feminist dookie that’s being sh— out by the butt that is the woke liberal mob. I talk about it really eloquently on my YouTube channel, PumpkinBoyzXD, so go check it out if you’re man enough for the truth. No girls allowed.
JD: I’m starting to feel like I’m a bigger villain than you for even giving you this platform to speak on. Honestly, I’m sure you’re a successful YouTuber, not for the right reasons, but reasons nonetheless. I guess it’s just kind of a reflection of a certain sad subset of men in modern society who tend to gravitate toward a certain type of content.
PM: And speaking of sad subsets of men in modern society, I really have to give it to them ’cause if it weren’t for men like that, men like me wouldn’t be able to do what we do. You should see the comment section of the channel; it’s just a big, beautiful hotbed for free speech. It fills me with so much pride. Currently, I’ve been putting out a video every day in anticipation of the release of “The Marvels” in a couple of weeks. I’m probably not gonna see it, but I mean, do I really have to?
JD: And this is probably a good place to wrap it up. I would say that it was nice talking to you, but that would be a lie. I honestly don’t understand what your issue is with… with…
PM: Hey buddy, you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out. You want me to get you a glass of beer or something? I’d offer you water, but real men don’t need to hydrate; we sustain ourselves off of beer and the occasional drop of oil from working underneath the truck.
JD: Pumpkins, would you just shut up for two seconds? I feel like I’m gonna be sick. I just need to… lie down… for a… *THUD!*
PM: Well, uh… hello readers. Guess I’m closing out the interview, but first, a quick plug for my side hustle before we say goodbye. Are you a man who suffers from feelings of inadequacy? Have you been experiencing hair loss, lower sex drive or erectile dysfunction? If this is you, remember, it’s not your fault, it’s society’s fault, and you can turn it around. Now, for a limited time only, get a month’s supply of my officially licensed ManEnhancer formula for half off. Derived by extracting the raw testosterone of the most manly animal, the Nigerian dwarf goat, a daily injection directly into your balls will get you back to dominating in no time. Don’t let the woke liberal mob get you down. Become…The Goat.
Note: After completing this interview, I woke up on the floor of Wheatley’s entryway. Pumpkins McGee has not been seen since. UMass Boston has denied the existence of such a man and has continued to remain silent on the previous Wheatley disappearances.