As a world-renowned contortionist, Daniel Browning Smith exhibited such profound mobility in his joints that he achieved what had long been deemed impossible: kissing his own a—. Humanity rejoiced, having been reaffirmed by what has since been dubbed, “the ultimate act of self-kindness.” However, you may be shocked to learn that Smith is only the second-most-flexible thing on the Earth, the first being UMass Boston’s timetable for the completion of the new quad. While they may not be kissing their own a—, with the number of times they’ve pushed things back, altered the schedule and left the student body generally confused, they’ve certainly been talking out of it.
I like to imagine a room full of administrative upper-ups huddled around a conference table discussing new ways to finish the quad and a man revealing his master plan to build a giant, 10-story-high concrete wall around the entire thing. They would dub it Schrodinger’s Quad. It would be both complete and not complete. Students would both stroll through it and not stroll through it. The corpses dumped there by Johnny Depp would both be buried under the soil and not buried under the soil. It has just now occurred to me that you may require some clarification on that last bit.
The true reason why the quad’s completion has been delayed, despite it looking finished, is because dead bodies have been discovered buried underneath the turf. Well, “discovered” isn’t really the right term here, as the administration has been well aware of the existence of these bodies. They simply thought it would be nice to warn us of the occasional flesh-stripped hand or partially-decayed leg before we frolic around and play frisbee or whatever it is they think we’ll be doing. The university released the following statement to help put our minds at ease:
“As the quad, once again, nears completion, we would like to assure our Beacon family here at UMass Boston that they need not worry about the bodies. Each one has been checked thoroughly, some more than once, and we can say definitively that they are good and dead.”
You may be wondering how on Earth these corpses made their way underneath the quad’s delicate topsoil, when all of that delicate topsoil was dumped there for construction. You may also be wondering how the university knew about the bodies and why they’ve done nothing to remove them. And if you’re still confused over the headline of this article, you may be wondering how Mr. Depp plays into this. Here’s a little history lesson.
If you know anything about the mob, you know that Whitey Bulger meant trouble. Back in the day, his racketeering, extortion and murderous tendencies cast a long, dark shadow over the Boston area. This, most people already know. What many don’t know is that Whitey’s younger brother, Billy Bulger, reigned over the University of Massachusetts as president from 1996 to 2003. From Lowell to Dartmouth, Bulger had the presiding authority over what went down across these campuses including, of course, our campus.
When his wife told him it was time to do some much-needed spring decluttering of the basement, Billy was forced to find a new home for the 59 dead bodies he had kept stored from his brother’s mobster days. When our current-day administration began demolition to construct the quad, they discovered 37 of Bulger’s well-preserved bodies. Unable to remove them due to a “zoning issue,” and the fact that the construction unions refused to touch the corpses, every single one of Whitey’s victims was reburied. But of course, this was all part of Depp’s plan.
Who would have ever thought that one of the most notorious pirates who sailed the Caribbean would make it in the famously cut-throat business of chocolate making? Who would have thought that this same man would then go on to become one of the most successful smugglers of cocaine this world has ever seen, all while managing the Winter Hill Gang and being tormented by Freddy Krueger on the side?
It’s always baffled me how well-documented the misadventures of Johnny Depp are; how beloved he is in our society as a pop-culture icon, yet how unwilling people are to admit one simple truth: How the heck has this guy been alive for so long? Seriously! Between the Golden Age of Piracy, the industrialization of candy and the Golden Age of Bostonian crime, he must be hundreds of years old. There’s only one explanation for such unparalleled longevity: Johnny Depp is a vampire. After all, he’s in a band called the Hollywood Vampires, so it’s not like the guy’s trying to hide anything.
Once you connect the dots, it becomes painfully obvious what’s happened here. During his stint as Whitey Bulger, Depp created a reserve of corpses in his brother’s basement to satisfy his hunger, a literal blood bank. When Depp moved on to make movies—choosing to star in films that showcased his true-life events to toy with us—his brother transplanted the bodies to UMass Boston to provide Depp with easy access. This also explains why the number of corpses has decreased over the years. What happens when he runs out of corpses? Well, it’d be best not to think about that.
Call me what you will, but I’m not another dollar-bin idiot who thinks movies are real. I know Depp’s a vampire; just look at the way sunlight reflects off his mustache. It’s some form of shield, I imagine. No matter the case, the university seems to agree with me, seeing as they’ve hung up strings of garlic as well as wooden stakes and crosses so that when the quad does eventually open, you’re assured to be safe. Just remember to bring some Depp memorabilia and a Sharpie because the next time you find yourself tugging on the shattered rib cage of some poor convenience store clerk who ran his mouth, you may just find Captain Jack Sparrow tugging on the other end.