Q: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?
A: Back when I was a dirty gambler, swindling my way through the mean streets of Las Vegas, I got really wasted one night and ended up making some bad deals over at the Flamingo. I was given two choices: I could be taken out back and have my toes sawed off, or I could eat “The Shplorp.” Now obviously, I went with the second option as removing my shoes would’ve unleashed a humanity-killing infection onto the world, but as soon as they brought out “The Shplorp,” I began to reconsider my moral alignment. It was a massive clump of chewing gum, hair, coins and other miscellaneous things picked up on the casino’s floors. I refused to eat it and killed everyone in the room, taking over the casino and living the next twenty years as the king of Vegas only to wake up in a bathroom stall having hallucinated the entire thing after eating “The Shplorp.” I’ve only ever had it two times since.