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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Burger King stands in solidarity with Pastafarians

Bianca Oppedisano
The Burger King and Pastafarians show their support for the newly minted Spaghetti Yeti on the Quad. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano / Mass Media Staff.

You take the moon, and you take the sun. You stir it all up with crushed tomatoes, garlic cloves, onion, olive oil, a vast assortment of herbs, a splash of red wine and then you’re done! You’ve now got a sauce any plate of spaghetti would be proud to be slathered in. However, if you happen to be a student here at UMass Boston, that delicious pile of pasta will have to be enjoyed off-campus due to Chancellor Marcelo Suárez-Orozco’s spaghetti ban, which has been in effect for the past three weeks.

The ban has created a deep divide in the administration, especially since last week’s inclusion of Clump as the University’s new mascot. Pastafarians claim that Clump is some sort of noodle messiah and a sign of a “higher being’s” imminent arrival, while others argue that he—and all this spaghetti saga drama—is a distraction from actual important issues. Regardless of the controversy, the Food Court Burger King wants people to know that it stands in solidarity with all Pastafarians, and thus has pledged to herby convert all its menu items into spaghetti. 

You may have had the Impossible Whopper, but have you ever thought of trying an Impastable Whopper? There’s no feeling on this Earth more unique than biting into a patty of cold noodles topped with pickles and smothered in ketchup. But not everybody felt this way, especially the Chancellor, who saw the King’s defiance of his ban as a challenge to power. In a press statement, Marcelo said:

“Anybody who rules with absolute power is a threat to the democratic ideals we hold dear at this University. I think it’s time we put an end to the monarchy! Kill the king! Off with his head! I won’t rest until that vile fast-food profiteer is dead!” 

Naturally, the Chancellor’s words sparked outrage amongst those on Team Spaghetti who felt he was once again treating them unfairly due to their religious beliefs. To atone for this, the Pastafarians once again sought retribution from the University in the form of a 20-foot-tall statue of a deity they called “The Spaghetti Yeti” on the newly opened Quad. 

Surprisingly, and perhaps due to Burger King’s threat to part ways with the school should the Yeti statue not be constructed, the administration agreed to meet the Pastafarians’ demands. It was this past Saturday that the magnificent piece of art was finally revealed in a grand opening ceremony that united the pasta-loving people who made this possible. However, there was one uninvited guest whose appearance shocked everybody.

“I was wrong!” shouted Marcelo as he ran through the crowd, hopping on top of the statue base and screaming. “I don’t know when, or how it happened, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to me, and in me! He planted his saucy seed through which bore the Messiah! My beautiful boy!”

Marcelo gestured affectionately to Clump, who was in attendance in the comfort of his baby stroller.     

“I know who I am. I am one of you. I am The Virgin Marcelo,” said the Chancellor while placing a pasta strainer on his head. 

The crowd burst into wild cheers and hollers, but the celebration was short-lived. In the blink of an eye, a hungry seagull swooped down and plucked Clump from his stroller. The Chancellor screamed in agony while he watched his son being carried away, but to his confusion, his emotional anguish was not matched by the Pastafarians. 

“Chill, bro. You’re kind of like, seriously overreacting right now. It’s just a joke,” said one of the Pastafarians. The Chancellor stood baffled. He had just thrown away his entire faith to become the Mother Mary of Pastafarianism, and now he was being told the entire religion was nothing more than a joke. 

However, before Marcelo could beat himself up too badly over his most recent embarrassing blunder, a construction worker came barreling out of nowhere driving a dump truck. As the Pastafarians and the Chancellor quickly jumped out of its path, the vehicle smashed into the Yeti statue completely obliterating it. Falling out of the truck dazed, its driver shouted, “Waffleites for life!     

And with the truth of the joke finally revealed, it appeared the Spaghetti Saga had finally come to a close. 

About the Contributors
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor
Bianca Oppedisano, Illustrator