Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things

Children Shouldnt Play With Dead Things

Denez McAdoo

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers1988Director – Fred Olen Ray”They charge and arm and a leg!”75 min. – rated R

I don’t even think I need to review a movie like this. Just read the title for crying out loud. Read it one more time, just to make sure. Okay, so by now you probably already have a firm grasp on where you stand in regards to this movie. Does it sound dumb, immature, and moronic? Well, your right, it is. Does it sound campy, hilarious, and twistedly erotic? Well, you’re right too! Everybody wins. Really the only surprise here is that a movie with such a titillating and enticing title can actually follow through and deliver what it promises. Hollywood? Check! Chainsaws? Check! Hookers? Boi-oi-oi-oing!

But this is all serious business, boys and girls. Just like the opening warning states, “The chainsaws used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform the stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX.”

The actual story is rather insignificant really, but it follows the trail of a gumshoe, private eye, flatfoot, detective (Okay, so I don’t really know what any of those adjectives mean but, you get the picture) in the middle of investigating a missing persons case. A concerned mother has called in a report that her daughter, Samantha Kelso (played by unrivaled and always lovely scream queen, Linnea Quigley, dead punk girl of Return of the Living Dead fame), who has run away from home. It is now his job to find her and bring her back in, hopefully, one piece.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, a number of hardly innocent men with a desperate need for pay-per-view love are turning up in piles and puddles, apparently the victims of chainsaw wielding harlots with an insatiable lust for all things juicy. But don’t melt your gumdrops just yet, the late 80’s production date on this film means these girls got big hair, big attitudes, and even bigger – uh, chainsaws!

The hapless detective is eventually lead deeper into Los Angeles’ seedy underbelly; a sick perverted underground where he discovers the existence of an ancient chainsaw worshiping cult hell bent on cleansing the tarnished flesh of humanity under the unforgiving sadistic righteousness of gas powered blades of steal. And the hookers… well there just here ‘cuz they’re hot. Let’s suspend our natural instinct towards cognitive reasoning for a minute here and ignore the obvious contradictions of an archaic Egyptian cult based around chainsaws, and let me just say that Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is a damn fine title for a film.

Surprisingly the leader of the cult is played by none other that Leather-face himself, Gunner Hansen from Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame. Unsurprisingly, he’s not quite as impressive a thespian without his human flesh face mask and blood spattered butcher shop apron. But still, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers manages to be one of the rarest of gems; a self-aware splatter film that tries to be funny and, most of the time, actually is. Snappy one-liners, sex appeal, graphic blood shed, and a chainsaw dual to the death at the end all come together to make one of the most entertaining B-rate low-budget film to come around in a while.

You know, I honestly think that watching a film like this can really be an educational experience. Its not just about carnage and carnal knowledge you know; if you approach it with an open mind, you might actually learn something. Namely, that before you start chainsawing you way through some poor schlep’s intestines you should always (A) get naked (B) be sure to cover up you velvet Elvis wall hanging with a plastic tarp, and (C) um… er, sorry I just got a little distracted by the Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws.