Dear UMBe Mine:

I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months. I just got out of a messy relationship, and this guy will be leaving next year, courtesy of the military. So we’re keeping it relatively casual and non-committed. The thing is, I’m starting to really like him, and I think he might feel the same, but I can’t see a point in allowing this to become an involved relationship. He’ll be sent away overseas next July, and I will have just graduated so who knows where I’ll be at that point?

Also, I can’t help but wonder if I like him more because I know there’s no pressure, and would want to be dating him if I was hoping for more. Should I just cut the losses and try to have a close friendship with him, or should I let it keep going and see what happens… even though I know we’ll have to say good-bye next year?

Yours Truly,Anticipation in Quincy

Dear Anticipation:

These are the kinds of relationships you absolutely go for. There’s no pressure, no strings. Frankly, at this time in your lives, you’re perfect for each other: neither of you knows where you’ll be in a year.

So, if I were you I would absolutely go full forward without any expectations. Just enjoy this year with your new man and don’t worry about the long term. Have SAFE fun, girlfriend.

More love,Lovechester

No Condom, No Nookie: No Ifs, No Ands, No Buts!It has come to our attention that some of you ladies out there have let your men slack.   (Gay men, this applies to you too.) As in all things related to the male genitalia, slackness is a bad thing.  Just say no to slack! Now, the slacking we’re particularly talking about is in putting on a condom before sex. Girls and guys, it’s 2006: no one has to get pregnant if she doesn’t want to; no one has to ever get an STD. We have the tools, even if we don’t always know how to use them.  But  your job is to LEARN.  First off, abstinence really is OK; you don’t have to fear it. And if you don’t have a condom and have not had a frank discussion about your sex life with your physician, abstinence is a MUST. (God, we never thought we’d say those four words, in that order.) There are a thousand excuses not to use a condom, but unless you’re in a committed, exclusive relationship and you’re trying to get pregnant, they’re all a load of crap.  Now we’re going to break down the top seven excuses we’ve heard not to use a condom.

1) It’ll break the moment/ruin the mood/destroy my rhythm.   This one is so wrong, we don’t know where to begin.  First off, it’s not a race. If you lose the pace, pick up and start again. Sex is definitely made for the tortoise and not the hare. Second, what are you really worried about here, that he’ll slack in that one ego-bruising, horrible, must-not-be-named way?

2) We were too f—ed up. OK, even we’ve used that excuse ONCE. But it’s still dumb. Ask yourself why you have to be f—ed up for sex anyway.  Trust us, it’s better sober.

3) I just can’t feel anything when I’m wearing  a condom. OK, this is all in your head, and not your little one.  Condom companies wouldn’t be profitable if you couldn’t feel yourself when using them.  This is also a case of tortoise being better than hare, but if you don’t have a stamina problem then go buy some ultra-sensitive ribbed.

4) They’re so expensive. Not as expensive as A) raising a healthy child or B) paying for doctor’s visits and medication to combat your nasty STD symptoms like they used to show us in health class.

5) But I love him. And I KNOW he loves me!  He’d never cheat, let alone give me a disease. Hundreds of women all over the globe have gotten STDs from their monogamous, “loving” men. They all felt and thought the same way you do. Sorry, that’s a fact, so wake up. If he loves you, he should respect you enough to use protection. And if you love yourself, you’ll ask him to.  They even have female condoms you can use.

6) I’m embarrassed to buy them/I don’t know how to use them properly. If this is your excuse, then you’re too young to be having sex. Period.  Student Health Services in the Quinn Building as well as The Queer Student Center on the third floor of the Campus Center have condoms and literature on how to use them.

7) Birth control is inconvenient at the least, morally wrong at the worst. Believe me, once you get good at using a condom, it’s not only convenient, it can be positively erotic. And, as we said last week, we’re not here to debate morals. Your morals are your choice.  However, the burgeoning population on the planet and the current environmental crisis are two good arguments for why birth control is a good idea. When too many of one species exists, Nature finds a way to bring them back into balance (usually by killing them off.)  Why give her the opportunity? So, as one of our fathers the AIDS educator used to say, “Don’t Be Silly, Put A Rubber On That Willy.” (Strangely enough, this one phrase actually delayed the one of us from trying sex for years.)  But it’s sound advice. For your own sakes, please take care of yourselves and one another.

Disclaimer:Neither of us has any formal training or licensure as psychotherapists; we don’t claim to be one or substitute as one. (If you need professional help, please go get it.) If, however, you want to hear how two open-minded, plain-speaking students (who’ve been around a few blocks and have ready ears and shoulders) might approach a given sex or relationship circumstance, you’ve come to the right place.